Therapeutic Theological Thought
Motto: “All therapy ends badly.” — Sigmund Freud
Do you know your own strength?
A lot of us feel like we are pushovers. Perhaps you number • yourself among those who need “assertiveness” training. If you do, it may not be because you lack strength.
Consider that there are four elements of a personal interaction: the level of confidence you are feeling inside, how you are presenting yourself to the other person, what he or she is thinking inside, and how he or she is presenting himself or herself to you. Of these four elements, you can know only two. You can know what you are feeling inside, and you can see how the other person is presenting himself or herself to you. You cannot know what the other person is feeling inside, nor can you see how you are presenting yourself to him or her.
Now, here is the heart of the thought therapeutically and theologically. If you are like most people, you tend to overestimate the confidence the other person is feeling inside and to underestimate the strength of your presentation of yourself. Indeed, is it not often the case that people feel a need to emphasize inversely to the confidence they feel? It is told that after a veteran preacher died, his loved ones reviewed his sermon manuscripts. They found this notation appearing here and there in the margins: “Weak point, pound pulpit here.”
The strength with which you present yourself may be leagues beyond the confidence you feel inside. You may be engaged in overkill and be unaware of it because the confident demeanor of the one who intimidates you covers his or her uncertainty. Consider this exchange at a Zen temple (from Zen Flesh, Zen Bones, Edited by Paul Reps pp. 28ff., abbreviated).
A wandering monk may remain in a Zen temple if he can win an argument about Buddism. If defeated, he has to move on. In a temple in northern Japan, lived two brother monks: the edler learned, the younger stupid and had but one eye. A wandering monk asked for lodging, challenging them to a debate about the sublime teaching. The elder brother was tired and told his brother to take his place. “Go and request the dialogue in silence,” he cautioned. So the young monk and the stranger went to the shrine and sat down. Shortly afterwards, the traveler rose and went in to the elder brother and said: “Your young brother is a wonderful fellow. He defeated me.” “Relate the dialogue to me,” said the elder one. “Well, first I held up one finger, representing Buddha, the enlightened one. So he held up two fingers, signifying Buddha and his teaching. I held up three fingers, representing Buddha, his teaching, and his followers, living the harmonious life. Then he shook his clenched fist in my face, indicating that all three come from one realization. Thus he won and so I have no right to remain here.” With this, the traveler left. “Where is that fellow?” asked the younger one running in. “I understand you won the debate.” “Won, nothing. I'm going to beat him up.” “Tell me the subject of the debate,” asked the elder one. “The minute he saw me he held up one finger, insulting me for having only one eye. Since he was a stranger, I thought I would be polite, so I held up two fingers, congratulating him on his two eyes. Then the impolite wretch held up three ind gers, suggesting that between us we only have three eyes. So got mad and started to punch him, but he ran out and that ended it!”